“You can’t trust me because I can’t trust you.”

My parents passed away, and I live with my aunt now. She is an accountant, and because she adopted me as a child, I call her “mom”. She always loved me, and I know she worked hard to give me a better life. But there are times, I think, that her love is like a hard test that I have to retake every day.

She found out that I had been playing the piano well since I was ten. Then, she registered me to study piano after school, and it became my routine. When I started, I really enjoyed it. I loved the moment my fingers could touch every note on the piano. However, I soon realized that studying piano was something I did for my aunt, not for myself.

A few years ago, she asked me to join a piano competition. I still remember that the way she looked at me, I could see much hope and excitement in her eyes. But at that moment, her feelings weren’t mutual.

She said, “Come on! I know that you are talented; you should show people what you can do.”

I nodded and said, “ I’ll consider it.” I took a deep breath and left.

I know it sounds weird because she supports me doing what I love. I used to enjoy playing, but my heart still feels heavy because it’s not what I want anymore; it is the hope that she gave me. I’m scared to disappoint her. It may be time I realized that I started to hide my feelings.

The night before the contest, she placed the registration form in my room and asked why I had not signed yet. I shook my head and said, “ Actually, I don’t want to join.” I tried not to look her in the eyes to avoid feeling anything. I could feel her anger

She raised her voice: “ Why not? You have practiced for nearly a year?”.

I whispered, “ Because I am feeling like I would do it for you, not for me!” I almost stopped breathing when I said it. For that moment, the room was silent, her eyebrow furrowed. I closed my eyes, my heart pounded, my hands were cold, and I thought she would scream at me, but she wasn’t mad at all and tried to explain gently to me. She said she wants me to believe in myself.

That night, we did not talk to each other. I was in my room, thinking about what just happened. What did I do wrong? Or was my aunt disappointed about what I said? I thought it wasn’t simply a piano competition again, it was about trusting others. Maybe I did not trust her to understand me, and she did not trust me to make my own choices. I thought that she started to lose trust in me, so after a few days, I lied to my aunt and skipped the piano classes.

I know she still loves me; she always took care of me. But her love sometimes causes me to feel suffocated. It is not because we stopped caring or loving each other, we may still be in the wrong ways. I know she wanted to protect me, and I want to protect myself, too. Probably I will play piano again someday, but when I am ready, and think that I love it, I will do it, not because my aunt wants me to do it. I think she will finally understand what I am trying to say.