“Maybe there was a little blip of a heartbeat.”
Maybe there was a little blip of a heartbeat. Maybe for only a moment…
My stepmom’s tears rolled down her cheek and my dad drowned himself in sorrow. So much hope and anticipation. Moments full of dreams and possibilities for the future. When you hear that first heartbeat, you realize you have finally done it, and you are going to become a mother to another beautiful baby.
My stepmom is an inspiring woman, who expresses herself with courage and grace. She provides and supports and cares for our family. She’s a joyful woman, who speaks her truth, never worrying about what the world might say. She and my dad got together shortly after his divorce with my mom. I was 5 years old, and a second mom was brought into my life. I hated the feeling of having a new woman at my dad’s for the longest time. It was really hard for us to get along. Fights and feelings were thrown at each other night after night.
Long story short, I got used to having a second mom and we became really close and I learned to appreciate the things she taught me and the things she did for me. She was a huge help to my dad as well. She helped him overcome his past trauma from his childhood. She taught him how to express his feelings and how to not be so angry all the time.
Life was going good and my stepmom was pregnant with my baby brother.
We all gathered at the dining table.
“What do you guys think we should name the baby?”
My stepmom asks, with my dad right by her side. They look excited. Names go flying across the table. Nobody really seems to agree on any names except for Joseph Patrick Gallant the 4th.
“He’s gonna be the fourth? That’s a lot of Josephs.” My younger step sister announces.
It was really amusing to us that our baby brother was going to be the fourth, but the name rolled off the tongue so clearly. We had a great time picking out his name all together as a family, and we started calling him “Baby Joey” immediately after, even though my stepmom was only 4 months pregnant at the time.
Seeing the pictures of the ultra sound was so cool to me, that was my baby brother. I remember seeing his face for the first time, and his cute little button nose and his little legs tucked right by his chest.
A few weeks later, my dad and stepmom’s wedding plans had been arranged and it was going to be held in our backyard with some of our closest friends and family. We had a blast picking out the dresses we were gonna wear as the flower girls and we practiced walking down the aisle, throwing flower petals. The whole rest of the week went by full of excitement, and joy for the future that was ahead of all of us.
I shared days of the week with my mom and dad, and one day when I went back to dad’s after being with my mom and I heard my stepmom talking to my older sister about how my dad had been crying the night before, which was unheard of for him. To this day I have still never seen my dad cry. I always seem to walk in on some sort of family drama, not knowing what is going on ever, until I ask.
“How come dad was crying?” I ask my older step sister.
“Mom had a miscarriage, I’m not supposed to talk about it.” she says trying to hide her emotions.
I had no idea what a miscarriage was, I later learned what it meant and I couldn’t get it through my head that my little brother was not alive anymore. I would wonder where the baby went, what happened to the baby. My stepmom sat down with me one night and explained everything to me. Knowing that my little brother was still inside of her belly but wasn’t living was unsettling, and that’s one of the hardest things about a miscarriage.
The wedding was in a few days and they weren’t going to call it off, it would’ve been too last minute. The day of the wedding was ecstatic. Good music was playing, people were laughing and dancing. The air was full of promises and dreams. I felt beautiful in my dress, and my step sisters and I were excited to be able to dress up.
The wedding was going well and it seemed like my dad and stepmom were enjoying themselves to the best of their ability. When the time came for us to walk down the aisle and for them to say their vows to each other, I could see my stepmom shaking. Not from nervousness, but from the quiet pain she was carrying deep inside. A little life in there, that never got to breathe, but that lived inside of her heart from the very beginning. As their vows were spoken, tears welled up in her eyes. Not just for the future that she and my dad were creating together, but for the life that they were having to leave behind. Having to live with this baby inside of her for 6 weeks after they found out the truth. I saw her grief, I felt her emotions, no one saw the silent goodbye that she whispered to herself except for me, and in that moment their love was both a celebration and a quiet mourning of my baby brother. It was a moment to hold joy and grief together as they both said “I do.”