Your problem is not my problem. I don’t understand why humans all have the need to push their worries onto me. I’m just a cat. I can’t even talk back. My owner comes bursting through the door of our apartment sobbing. “I hate my job!”
Ok?And?
Get a new one.
I stare at her blankly. She grabs my underarms and lifts me up. NO! Does she not realize that it hurts my shoulder? She holds me close. Ok, that’s not bad. She’s petting me. I purr for a good 30 seconds until she puts me down.
Food? She knows what I mean.
I look at her perturbed. Will I be getting fed tonight?
She gets up and puts food in my bowl. I take one bite.
Nasty. I can tell when she doesn’t splurge on the good stuff.
I walk away. “Seriously?” she said. I can tell she’s annoyed now. Not my problem. She sits down on the couch and turns on reality tv. I can always tell when she’s distraught because she puts on reality tv. Or also, the fact that she whines like a baby.
I don’t whine.
Maybe that time I went to the vet.
That’s different, I don’t want another shot.
Also when she gets the wrong food.
Or when she tries to wash my favorite blanket.
Or when I didn’t get the catnip she promised if I stopped biting the vet. But that’s it! Humans love to push all their stress of the day on their animals. Is it that they find comfort in me? She does love to brush my fluffy black fur. Like honestly? Just let me take care of it. My owner adopted me about 3 years ago. I’m her whole world. She’s alright.
The next day she’s up early. I squint my eyes open to see her putting on shoes. Huh? It’s like-well…I can’t tell time. Early. “Bye bye baby boy!” she says in her cat-voice. I actually do like that voice, it’s quite humorous.
Where is she going?
It’s now late at night, she’s been gone all day.
Where could she be?
The door unlocks, and in walks my owner and…a man? Who’s this doofus? They’re laughing. “You’re the best boyfriend I could ask for!” she said, smiling ear to ear. Huh? I have never seen this man in my life. Is he new? They must have just started dating. He looks over at me. “You have a cat?” he asked. “Oh yeah, I didn’t mention that?” she asked. Rude. I’m the best thing in her life. “No, it’s just that…” he stammers. Do not say it. “I’m allergic,” he finishes. Ok get out. “Oh..uh…well I’ll just lock him in the bedroom,” she says. Woah! Woah! Woah! She picks me up and puts me over her shoulder. She walks to the bedroom and plops me down on the bed and shuts the door on her way out. I pace back and forth on the bed wondering how this could ever happen.
Why didn’t she check?
Why didn’t she ask if he was allergic?
This is awful! Oh my!
I was so sick of her putting her problems on to me that now there’s someone else in the picture, I’m infuriated. I hear them laughing and glasses clinking out in the living room. I’m SO glad they are having fun without me. I’ll just lay down, wait it out, I guess. I hear the front door shut loudly, well he’s aggressive. She opens the door and plops herself down next to me. I look up at her, evil eyes. “Don’t you like him? Isn’t he so sweet?” she says, bumping her nose to mine.
No. He’s allergic.
He’s SO not your type.
It’s been 4 months. He comes over nearly every night. I HATE him. He always comes in, sees me on the couch. Gives me this stupid look where he looks confused and stern at the same time. Like he’s trying to be a tough guy. But this night was different. They came in, they both had big smiles on their faces. Why do they look like that? As my owner pulls him in for a hug I look at her hand. And there’s a BIG HUMONGOUS diamond ring right on her ring finger. I’m smart enough to know what that means. They’re getting married. So, what? He’s gonna be living with us now? I don’t trust this. I can’t deal with not being able to sit on the couch! Or leaving the room every time he’s around. This is now MY problem.
Well, they did it. They got married. They’re now hanging quaint wedding photos. That’s how I know. They tied the knot. He’s now fully moving in. He’s got boxes everywhere of his junk. Why does he have so many collar shirts? This guy is SO lame. He hates even being near me. I’m so done with him, but I know if I attack, I’ll be scolded. I’m not sure if my owner is aware of this hateful relationship her husband and I have. She never says anything about it. The other day, he layed out a nice warm white button up shirt, right out of the laundry. And naturally, I sit on the warm piece of clothing. He comes into the bedroom as his eyes widen, “That’s my work shirt! C’mon get off!” he exclaims. I get off it after making a few quick scratches on it. As I get off he notices the black clumps of fur on it. His face gets red. “Ugh! Where is the lint roller? The cat sat on my work clothes!” he yelled to my owner in the other room. She yells back, “Relax! Just get the lint roller on the dresser! It’ll be good as new.” Thank you, I agree, he does need to relax. He walks out of the room after putting on his perfectly now-clean shirt. Before he leaves he shoots me a dark look. Calm down, pal. Last time I checked, I was here first.
He’s started to hang his clothes up. No more loose clothes on the bed. Little does he know I sit on the warm towels he leaves on the bathroom floor. Lately when my owner has been getting home late from work, he’s forced to feed me. I kid you not, when he grocery shops, he gets the good stuff. Don’t mind if I do! I finish up a meal and leap up on the counter.
I turn to see…allergy meds?
Just right there, sitting on the counter.
Do these belong to the man?
I stare at them connecting the dots. Well, that’s actually quite courteous of him. Keep trying, man. Maybe you’ll be on my good side.
My owner is going on a work trip. The man and I are roommates for the weekend. “Bye honey!” my owner says shutting the door behind her. The man turns to me sitting on the couch, just with this blank look on his face. He sits down next to me and turns on the tv.
We are never this close.
This is unusual.
I suddenly feel a hand on my head.
He’s…petting me?
He’s not at all good at it.
With his big hand just pulling back the fur on my head to the point of my heading following with. But, I sort of start to pity him and begin to purr. We just kinda sit there, him staring at the tv screen, giving me affection. We sit like this for about an hour until I doze off. I wake up and look at the man next to me, he’s cold out too. His head tipped back while he loudly snores. I’m not sure why, but I get up and sit on his lap. I snuggle myself in but then get startled with a loud sneeze from him. He looks down at me and says, “I’ll live.” And that’s how we spent the rest of the week. The man and I, sitting on the couch, snuggling, and listening to his tv shows that he would explain to me. I’m just a cat but I appreciate the effort. A week later when my owner came home, she saw us sitting on the couch together. “Wow, I guess you guys have started to get along now!” she said with a big grin on her face. He looked at me and replied, “Yeah, he’s actually quite the cat.” The mans alright, I guess.